S C R E A M

twenty-oh-seven

2007-12-27T11:41:00.000-05:00

2007 has been a whirwind of misadventures for me. The year started feeling all blissful thinking it'll be that way through out the year but I was wrong. First part of the year , I was independent. Got my own apartment and work was just doing fine until my manager decided to close down his office by late January. I wanted to kill the guy but the thing here is fellow colleague of his absorbed us to work with them. It was a month of traveling going to Charlotte, Atlanta, Birmingham, Greensboro until we settled back to our own city by March.

My new manager is a bitch! She was never considerate about her employees that made most of us quit the job (including me). It was May when I quit and a friend asked me if I want a new start and of course I said yes so he asked me to move to Phoenix,AZ. I thought it was just a friendly antic cause I even had a free cruise to the Bahamas before I went to AZ but when I met him, gosh he just said that he likes me and that wants me to be his girl and I was like that will never happen cause I only see him as an older brother and never in that page.

I went back to SC (after 2 days of stay there) and moved in with my parents again. They didn't complain and I apologize for all the wrong doings I've done to them. I was just being easy with my life and just focused on getting back on track. I've dated some guys but didn't find the one I would get serious with. I had a few "possibly be" bf potentials but maybe I wasn't ready for a serious relationship that's why I just had to back off.

Traveled well this year also. Went to places and on my last stop that's where I met someone that I'm praying will be "the one". We'll see how it goes cause I ain't wishing and assuming no more. I had enough of those.

I am doing alright now. New car, new job, new man..

I ask myself...

2007-10-18T00:39:00.001-04:00

Why do I refuse to learn from my mistakes? I keep getting myself in the same situation though even beforehand I know exactly the outcome of my doings..

Why do I neglect the things I need over the things I want?

Why did I allow myself to fall for you?

Why am I crying right now knowing that I know exactly that this is not going to work out?

I HATE THIS..

FREE SHERCONE

2007-09-28T00:28:00.000-04:00

Shercone is a guy I met a few months ago. I met him on a website and somehow our intellectual talks turned out to be a constant chat then moved to phonecalls. It was nothing too serious. The idea of dating didn't even occur to us it is just that conversation we always have that made me curious about this guy. I call him a player cause I have to admit the guy got things to offer from his physique to his brains. We planned on meeting just for the heck of seeing each other in person but it never happened. He didn't reach college (and so is the rest of America's population) but he got a lot of things to say. I always beat him on word racer (it's a yahoo game) and that disappoints him cause English is not my first language and it's the only lingo he knows.. I always shove that to his face so he'll get more irritated.

I see him on cam every once in awhile and he always got this serious look on his face. You can see that he got a lot of things going on in his life. I never asked anything personal like that until that day we had this long conversation wherein he told me almost everything about him. His past life, his street life, his past relationships, his family.. almost everything. I said the same thing but my life was too boring compared to his. That's when I felt that this guy had gone through a lot of things but still he's kicking it.

That night also when we had that talk, he told me something that made me burst to tears. He said he can be put to jail (it's not murder nor rape.. I'll just have to keep it to myself) with something that he didn't really do. I cried and I'm not even sure why.. It maybe cause I felt his fear and pain. I feel that he's innocent of the crime being alleged to him. I don't know the real deal but I just feel it.

Since early this month I have noticed that he hasn't been online that much and if he does, he ignores me. I don't know what's up with that until last week and I got a call from his brother saying the bad news. He's locked up now. I was in awe.. Then I get to talk to him on three way and oh my, I cried again.. He asked for my address so that he can write me and I did asked for the same thing from him.

I received his letter today and I didn't read it immediately till 30 mins ago. I wrote him back first and I was so emotional while I was doing it. Then I just made some jokes in their to maybe help him calm down. I told him everything that had happened about me even my crush I narrated it there.. Just everything since I consider him now to be one of my closest friend..

I read his letter and I can just imagine what kind of pain he is in right now.. Jail is not the most idealistic place to be but I guess he's handling his situation well. Again, I got teary eyed. He was telling me all the things he has been doing the entire time he was there. He got some good news though and I hope it'll continue to be that way.. and OH MY GOSH! He mentioned J. Holiday's song and that is just my favorite!

I MISS YOU BRO! Keep your head up! Everything will be alright.. I'll pray for you..

FREE SHERCONE!

when do u say enough is enough?

2007-09-25T03:24:00.000-04:00

I said that a hundred times already and gosh I kept on coming back to him. I've evaluated myself from time to time asking the same question but i just seem to forget about it when he starts talking to me again. You know after being ignored then here he comes talking to me as if nothing happened.. damn.. It it so hard not to submit..

But really, when do one say enough is enough? I asked a few people and they told me the same thing.. When the time comes that you heart and mind just gave up on the thought that you're just being stupid, that's when u say ENOUGH.... TRUE! I agree.. And I feel that way right now. But some parts of me won't quit hoping that there maybe a chance.. STUPIDDDDDDD!

In less than two weeks, I'll be able see him..

Am I nervous? Yes
Am I worried? Yes
Am I excited? Yes

Nervous because he might not like me in person. Worried because it might not end up the way I want it (which is another story). Excited because I'll be able to spend time and get to know him better.

He asked me one question.. How can you be IN love with somebody you don't know? I answered Love is not really about knowing every bit about your partner. It is accepting who he/she is for whoever they are. When someone starts caring about someone, that is love talking. Getting to know is a lifetime process. Being IN love is sharing that special feeling with somebody and would do anything just the make his/her other half happy. It might be shallow but that's how I see it.

It's just some topics I got in my mind.. I can't sleep thinking about it..

mental note...

2007-09-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

he doesn't love you.... put that in your head! STOP IT! you're just hurting yourself..

crushin...........

2007-09-16T01:36:00.000-04:00

Wow.. I was just reading my previous entries and that made me smile for a bit. And all my topics are all about men.. wow! But those men here are all part of the past.. Moving on..

Anyways, the dating scene is being blurry as of the moment. Well not really but right now I'm just talking to one person (shocking ain't it?). He has been my crush since I laid eyes on him on cam.. He is really cute and sexy.. We've been talking for months now (it's an on and off thing though). But this time we're making extra effort to get to know each other and that is the most blissful feeling ever. Imagine your crush giving you this kind of treatment. He can be an asshole though but there's just something about him that keeps me wanting him more and more. Maybe it's the way he treats me compared to the other ladies. That guy can be blunt and tell u straight up if he wants you or not. Yes, he is not the typical polite and gentleman guy that will sweep u off your feet and that makes him unique and I don't even know why I consider that as a good thing (and no I'm not desperate)....

Next month, we'll be meeting up. I'm excitedddddd! It's been on my mind since we planned on doing it. But as always, no expectations.. I'll just let it flow... I just can't stop giggling every time I think about him. I even go to his myspace page like non-stop everyday! Maybe half of his views there we're caused by me. I'm that addicted.. not good right? Oh, I know!

Guess that's it.. it's just wow!

Klassik LyDell Green

C.A.L.D.

2007-07-31T22:46:00.001-04:00

The main reason for this entry is because I'm troubled and I need some insights..

I've met this guy and we dated quite a few times and every single moment spent with him is just priceless. He said he loves me and I can see he's doing everything to prove it but I got this fear inside me that don't want to deal with love again. I am traumatized because of what happened in the past. I have invested all of me yet I didn't get the same respect I deserve. This time, he promised he's not going to be like that and I'm not sure if I should trust him or any men again. He is so good to be true and I'm thinking that I will be stupid enough to let him pass my life but I am so uncertain about my feelings..

I even told him I love him.. My heart says it but other parts of me don't. There's uncertainty and I hate it. I know I'm being unfair but what am I suppose to do?! Well I know the answer and that is to be true to myself but.... I cant even explain it.. Maybe I just love the attention.. Damn, I'm mean!

Anyhow, I just needed to vent out.. I hope he feels better by tom..

cream...

2007-07-16T22:59:00.000-04:00

First and Last

It was a bright humble day

Where leaves touch the ground

Seems everything is out to stay

Hark thy melodic sound

I saw haze as you verge upon

Paused and consoled my presence

You were sublime from a span

Defined miracle in all its essence

I glimmered to see if it’s not a dream

I was stunned with what I saw

First time I felt to have a tight seam

Though perfection is dead by flaw

We talked, laughed and feasted

Cannot help but feel bliss untouched

Tomorrow perceived and painted

Relentless glee felt so much

We looked in each other’s eyes

Trembling inside, I close mine

Warm inside, but out felt like an ice

Lips are one, perfect are thine

It was that time we said goodbye

That seemed everything felt just

It was exquisitely divine

Troubled, it may also be the last.

shit load!

2007-07-16T21:34:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since my last post.. I just didn't have the time to contemplate on my life this past months.. It has been a whirlwind of misadventures for me but hey, I'm still here..

A lot of people has been added to my life and yeah some of em has been completely forgotten also.. They really do come and go..

I've overcame the most painful break up I've ever been to.. It was hard but heck I don't have time to whine over a person who don't deserve me.. I know what you're thinking (if u know me that well).. shit I know right.. Here I fuckin go again!!! Well I've been going on dates.. so far I'm just enjoying it and taking my time.. I don't want to end up with the wrong guy again..

So yeah, Ill be in Texas in 2 days.. I'm thinking if I should move there or not..... I've been everywhere this past 4 months.. I've been to Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, North Carolina, yada yada yada... Im planning on going to either California or Virginia next month but we'll see...

I guess that's it for now.. I'll just be more elaborative next time.. teehee..

*I like somebody now.. It feels like high school all over again..

NEW ME

2006-12-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

It has been way past 3 months since my last entry... a lot of things has changed..

First, I got my own apartment now.. I'M INDEPENDENT!! It really feels good that I can decide things on my own now.. handle everything by myself.. so fulfilling!

Second, no more Jay.. Why? cause he made me choose between him and my job.. I picked my job.. Why? cause I know that I have a future with my work..

Third, no more car.. wrecked it last day of October but I'm alright though.. Trying to save for a new one..

Fifth, I got a new haircut.. hahaha.. I look stupid!

hmm what else.. err.. guess that's it.. updates soon.. got no time to elaborate on things..

wishing

2006-10-09T21:34:00.000-04:00

its been weeks since my last post.. been hectic nowadays with work..

yeah yeah about WORK...

everybody's hatin my job except me.. I know it is very demanding and I myself is guilty of being too damn tired everyday yet I can't quit now... I got my reasons..
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Weekend was alright.. Jay and I went to Florida.. kewl place to live in.. nice spots, beach is just round the corner, pretty decent..

yet something has not been right bout the trip.. I think Jay and I are starting to part ways unknowingly.. We've been having a lot of issues nowadays yet i try not to show it. As much as I could I just try to shrug things off. I love him dearly nonetheless with how he treats me lately, I've been thinking twice.

Issue mainly is about criticism vs. compliments... I love hearing compliments but in our case all I hear from him are criticisms that downgrades my self-esteem.. I know that I can't please everybody but when u got nothing good to say might as well shut ur mouth.. It affects me for real!

I'm also aware that criticisms are good in a way because from there I can learn from my mistakes however, as I've typed earlier his way was a lil too much for me..
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"I just need someone who will appreciate me for who I am.. "

SORRY

2006-09-10T17:00:00.000-04:00

"I am sorry for what I have done.. I"ll never do it again... "

just so inlove this weekend..

2006-09-04T23:12:00.000-04:00

It's been hectic nowadays.. been juggling my time between family, work, and lovelife... but all is well.. guess im handling it just right..

Started work already.. so far so good.. pretty demanding kind of a job but it's all about the experience.. The main thing that sucks here is that I drive an hour just to go to work (and another hour just to get home).. And last friday, i was stung by a bee.. so freakin hurts!! my right hand was swollen for 3 days!

Labor Day weekend has been fun.. went to Augusta to spend it with Jay.. we had plans of going somewhere but everything was cancelled (reason, we just dont feel like going anymore).. I bought myself a new laptop (pretty good buy, it was on sale and Jay paid for it.. ill be paying him on installment basis).. Jay bought a new cellphone (err.. pretty expensive[sony ericson k800i]).. so basically we spent like a thousand bucks in just one day.. but main thing here is I had one of the greatest time in my life just spending 3 days with him..

Since friday, after work, I drove to GA (it was a 2 hour and 15 minutes drive).. got there around 11:20 pm.. Fetched him to go eat dinner.. We went to Wild Wings (it was ok, they have a live band there).. we were supposed to go clubbin,, unfortunately, he wasn't dressed up for the place..

Saturday..overslept..ate at a chinese buffet.. went to to the mall.. grabbed a Gloria Jean's White Chocolate with Caramel (yumyum).. hmm what else.. stayed at the barracks and do nothin but to flirt at each other.. and yeah, we had a lil fight that I almost went home.. I stayed outside of their building from 11 pm till 1 am.. crying and thinking about stuffs.. he was looking for me but I was nowhere to be found.. but yeah, he found me and went to his room again.. he told me to stay and so i did, discussed our issues, patched things up.. we drank the night away..

Sunday.. went to hear mass.. went to buy those techies.. ate at Tony Roma (gosh i missed that place! last time I ate there was during my stay at PI).. same thing, stayed at the barracks.. do some stupid stuffs.. flirt, laugh, cry (he's gonna be stationed at Texas by early next year [i am happy though that it is not the "middle east"].. pretty far from where I am.. but I am hoping things will work out for us)..

Monday, I prepared lunch for him (pork stew with tomato sauce.. err menudo i guess).. went to PX to buy a ball pen.. hahahaha.. went home around 4 ish.. Dinner with family at Outback..

yeah.. He's my sexy nurse.. just love it when he takes care of me..literally!!! (esp with that lump in my forehead and my infected hand!)

just love it when he kisses me, hugs me when we sleep..my head over his arm, my body leaning over him.. the sight of him when i open my eyes.. the way he tickles my legs.. the way he embraces me as we take a walk.. the way he tries to make me laugh.. the way he flirts with me.. the way he smiles at me.. the way he says "bebi".. the way he dances.. the way he sings.. everything about him.. (and here I go again.. after being so inlove for quite sometime, another turmoil will come into place.. oh yeah, I am so used to it)

Work again tom so I better head to bed.. nite y'all

so fawked up!

2006-08-27T22:41:00.000-04:00

I'm crying.. why? I'm not really sure...

O kasi cguro masaya nanaman ako kahapon.. Friday and Saturday was one of the my unforgettable moments.. Spent another weekend with Jay.. As usual, I had fun.. so much fun that it scares me now.

Mahal na mahal ko na siya pero I have to hold back kasi alam ko naman kung hanggang saan lang ako sa buhay nya. Yun ang kinatatakot ko na I can't even tell him that kasi I may sound a bit too much nanaman (he hates drama).. Siguro nageexpect nanaman ako e.. kakainis na... here I am again.. putangina talaga!

Ano ba toh?!!!!!!! tigil ko na kaya.. pinahihirapan ko lang sarili ko e.. He's been ok naman all this time.. I give him credits in making me feel happy.. It's just that whenever future is the subject, I'm not part of his.. so slowly, I am taking him off mine.. pero sakit e.. mahal na mahal ko na talaga..

hirap! pootah.. sya ata karma ko e.. lagi ko naman sinasabi sa sarili ko na kaya ko yan pero hinde e..

yadayadayadayada

2006-08-24T09:21:00.000-04:00

been listening to "Dahil Ikaw" by True Faith for the 18th continuous time.. I love it!

how I miss hearing a love song and dedicating it to someone special in my life. You get me? I mean when you hear any song, it'll always remind you of someone but in this case.. it's blank.. grr....

so yeah, what made me decide to write an entry at this time of the day.. oh yeah, the memory of my old blog. If i hadn't deleted it.. tsk! I'm trying to recall all the events that had happened to me in the past.. Most of my entries there were about being so in love and being happy and contented. I miss that feeling!

and yeah.. I told you that I'm missing you, you logged off 6 minutes after without any reply.. good job!

singing
" Dahil ikaw ang sigaw ng puso ko
Ikaw ang nasa isip ko
Ang nais ko ay malaman mo
Na ikaw ang tanging pangarap ng buhay
Pag-ibig ko sa iyo'y bibigay
Ang nais ko ay malaman mo...
Na mahal kita..."

wala lng

2006-08-23T16:42:00.000-04:00

Alright.. it's been pretty awesome week so far.. I got a job already (just sucks that I have to drive an hour just to get there).. I got a pending job interview for tomorrow..

Last Monday, I was hella tired! I was on field training doing sales and my feet were so sore that time.. I wore heels and to think it was a continuous walk from 12 noon till 6:30 pm.. dammit! but yeah, I enjoyed doin it..

********************************************
I just received my diploma.. shoot! Looks like it was made from a cartolina.. stupid UST! I worked hard for that and I paid for it.. how come it looks like some piece of junk?!?!?!??!

********************************************

hmmmm.. what else.. mom's bday tom.. we're gonna treat her out..

And now, where should I put myself?

2006-08-20T01:01:00.000-04:00

Ok, its been 2 days of pure bliss.. You have made this weekend, incredibly memorable.. Days Inn, Descent, Step Up, Econo Lodge, Nude, Shuttlecock, Applebees, and ILY are the main keywords for the day.

Since that talk we had about me realizing things and the thinking stage, I have seen a huge improvement on your side and I am happy with what I am seeing right now. Now, I can feel something intimate and serious going on.

But then again, that last statement you gave me just leaves me thinking, so yeah I thought "this is just it" but what you are showing right now is the other way around. Not that I am complaining, I just don't know what to believe anymore. To love you more or to start accepting that we can never be together? shed me some light!

Anyhow, thanks for the wonderful friday and saturday.. Ill see u again later.. I just hope I can sneak out tonight.. hehe..

ILY

(just dont mind the freakin date on the pic.. my cam's retarded.. just like my subject.. :p)

a must read!

2006-08-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

"
22o lang keren..oo mahal kita..sino ka ba sa buhay ko...girl friend ko...diba..what more do you want?..gaano kita kamahal..paano ba kasi ma measure yan ha??..isn't it enough that i've been loyal 2 you this past 3 months....c'mon now...damn...we've only been dating 3 months...we still getting to know each other...to tell you the truth ewan ko...i'm still enjoying my life...i'm not intending to make plan anytime soon about marriage...kids...why do you insist on asking me this...ano ka ba sakin meron ba tayo future...io0no beb..only time will tell..wala pa ako sa stage na pina plano lahat ang buhay..wala pa ako dun alam mo yun...i'm still young and i want to be spontaneous...i just want to enjoy life as it happens....bakit tayo pa...because i enjoy your company..isn't that good enough reason??? Yes i did want to leave you..why is that..because theres alot of uncertainties in our relationship alam mo yun..hell i don't even know where i'm going after i'm done with schooling here in augusta...sa 22o lang...i wasn't even planing to enter a relationship while i'm in the Army..but here I am with you....if you don't want to be in a relationship full of uncertainties and hopefull thinking....di naman kita pinipilit mag stay...
"

I REST MY CASE!

2006-08-12T02:36:00.000-04:00

JER JER

sa tuwing kailangan ko ng kausap, nandyan ka lagi..
sa tuwing nalulungkot ako at kailangan ko ng masasabihan, isang text lang, nariyan ka agad..
sa tuwing may problema ako, ikaw lang ang dumadamay sa akin...
sa tuwing galit ako, ikaw lang ang nagpapakalma sa akin..
sa tuwing masaya ako, ikaw lang ang nakikihati sa kaligayahan ko..

salamat bro sa lahat..

you have no idea how much i appreciate all ur efforts.. though we're oceans apart, we're still intact like that (with a snap.. hahaha..)

kudos for all the things we've been through..

************************************************************************

sabi ko sa sarili ko dati, mamahalin kita ng lubos..
sabi ko, ill be the best gf there is..
sabi ko, susuportahan kita all the way..
sabi ko, iintindihin ko lahat ng shortcomings mo..
sabi ko, di ako we'll do everything ur way..

sa ngayon.. alam mo un.. feeling ko nabawasan na ung love na nafefeel ko.. di ko rin alam bakit e.. siguro its how u treat me.. taken forgranted lagi.. though yeah.. kita ko naman efforts mo e.. pero.. ewan..

natuto na rin cguro ako ng self respect.. galing galing..

*konting push pa

before ako matulog

2006-08-09T02:23:00.000-04:00

Ngayon ko lang naisip at narealize...

dami pa lang nagmamahal sa akin noh.. so kung mawalan man ng isa, ayos lang.. i still got reasons not to whine.. yeah yeah.. i got it now!

marami pala dyan ang sensitive enough to understand me.. galing!

di lang pala ako ang iyakin, di lang ako ang may problemang malupit.. di lang pala ako ang taong nagmamahal at the same time nasasaktan din..

martyr daw ang dapat na term sa akin..

di ko kailangang iyakan ang isang taong di naman worth it..

di ko kailangan magpakasakit at magtyaga kung hindi naman ako masaya..

di ko kailangan magpaapekto sa mga pangdodown mo.. i know im better than what u think!

di ko rin kailangan makiride sa mga pangiinsulto mo, oo minsan kasi nakakasakit ka na e!

di ko na kailangan maghintay pa na magbago ka cguro.. im being hopeless na..

marami pa lang iba dyan who shares the same dream as me..

di pa pala pathetic tawag sa akin..

oo maganda ako.. angal ka?! di kakapalan ng mukha yan.. marami ng nagsabi!

bakasyon

2006-08-08T14:35:00.000-04:00

oh word! this has been long delayed.. but yeah, ill just tell the story on how my vacation went..

Anyhow, masaya ung naging vacation namin ni jay.. it was awesome.. sobra! as in his family treated like im one of em.. very hospitable and very warm talaga..

When i got there, i was really nervous that his family won't like me.. but when I saw his mom, the first thing she did was hug me and that made me feel at ease..

Everybody welcomed me with open arms.. saya!

The next day (Sunday), we went to Holy Hill in Wisconsin.. it rained very hard but when we got there, it stopped..

We heard mass..The place is very solemn..

Weekdays, we just stayed at their house and once in a while we go out to go to the mall (oh yeah!, i love their malls there!! and im officially broke now).. I get to drink my mochafrap again, my taro milk tea, eat at taco bell, go shopping till i drop, fixed jay's desktop (though according to him i didnt help at all), chilled with his friends, went clubbin, helped josie move to her new apartment, learned how to make cassava cake (jennie's recipe), checked out kuya joel's new house, went to meet tito soc and tita belen (which lasted for like 5 minutes only to think goin there took us 30 minutes).. karaoke..

But the highlight of that vacation is spending it with him.. He was a totally different person when we got there, not the Jay that I used to know.. he was very sweet, caring, malambing, makwento, palatawa, mapangasar (in a sweet way).. basta... iba talaga! sarap ng feeling grabe!

pero since we're back here sa lugar namin.. back to normal na rin sya..

un lang.. sarap sanang mag elaborate pa.. but due to certain issues e wag na lang.. nasira na rin momentum ko e bec of what happened right after we came back..

nandito pala ung pics
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Minsan sabi ko na lang sa sarili, konting tiis pa.. pero sana dont push me to my limit.. ok naman akong kaibigan, mapagmahal naman akong girlfriend.. wag lang pupunuin dahil di naman ganun kahaba pasensya ko.. un lang..

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May namimiss akong tao.. kamusta na kaya sya?!

sana lang ur doin good.. and i hope you're happy..

2006-08-06T23:40:00.000-04:00

sana hindi mo na lang pinakilala kung sino ka talaga..

sana hindi mo na lang ako pinasaya ng lubos..

sana hindi mo na lang ako pinaasa..

sabi ko na nga ba may katumbas lahat ito eh.. ang sakit sakit naman ng kapalit..

gusto kong magalit sa iyo.. pero hindi ko kaya..

mahal kita upto this point.. but yeah, in due time ill be over this feeling..

sana maging successful ka sa lahat ng pangarap mo..

just wish u the best..

Friends

2006-07-27T16:44:00.000-04:00

Friends are the best companion one person could ever have.

Through out my life, there have been a lot of people goin in and out of my life yet the true friends remained. I remember back in elementary, where everything is just shallow, the time where we put up a barkada and promised that we'll stay intact for the rest of our lives. It was a good relationship then.. we treated each other as more than siblings. We even agreed to name our daughters Janisa Kerzelle and Janzelle Kerisa... those were tha days.. highschool came still were close.. but as we grow old, we parted ways. Though I can get to talk to them once in a while, I just miss them.. Janette, Luisa and Jenzelle..

College.. I've been with the best gurl friends ever.. Abi, Kristine and Leah.. It was a tight friendship.. We had our girl talks at the restroom.. sharing opinions and insights, being open with emotional problems, advices and other how to's in life. 4 years of great camaraderie.. Though problems may have occurred in the past, still they are a part of me.. till the end..

Aaron.. my best friend (as I address him).. We have lost contact for the reasons I don't know. He maybe too busy with his work and his social life that he has already forgotten about me. Talk about being best friends. But yeah still I give a kudos to my best pal for being there for me through out my college life. He has listened to all my problems and tried everything he could just to make me feel better.. All those efforts are very much appreciated. I just hope he's happy now..

Jerry.. eversince college, we're already close.. I'm his emo buddy and so is he to me yet there are times when we dont get to talk since we're just too busy with school and other stuffs. Since i got here, he was the only person whom I could talk to. Its been crazy here since I dont have a social life so I'm happy that I got jerry to help me get through homesickness and boredom. If there is one guy whom I am sure of staying by my side "forever", that would be jerry.. And if there is one person whom I can say knows me very well upto this point, that would also be jerry.. Thank you bro for everything.. With everything that you have done for me, rest assured Ill be doing the same thing for you..

Of course.. to my other csa brothers who had kept me sane during college.. wab u guys! You will never be forgotten..

Abi.. thanks for everything.. You are a treasure in my life and I miss you so much..

~For you~

2006-07-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry if I've been acting weird lately.. It's just that I don't feel appreciated this past days..

I'm sorry if I've been asking a lot of questions that may have pissed you off. I'm sorry if I've been out of words whenever we talk. I'm sorry if I have become a bore to you.

I asked you awhile ago what would you do if you're only given a day to live and you answered me in a very expected way.. Anyhow, mine was quite a lie.. I'm sorry if I have to make an alibi. Mine is not really mind boggling.. I just want to spend that day with you..

Days just go on so fast. We never know when will our time be. As I am typing this, I have realized a lot of things.. mistakes, pleasure, lies, pressure.. I have encountered all that in a matter of 22 years yet I'm still undecided where life will lead me. Like the dilemma you're in right now, there should be no more for regrets in your life. Whatever it is that you are facing, head high welcome the lessons that you have learned.

With a few bumps on the side, God is still the best company one could have. Enjoy every second you have cause you'll never know when your life loan will expire. I am here to be with you. I may not be physically present whenever you need me but I can always be an ear that would listen to your yearnings, mouth to blurt out the choices you got and to tell you that everything will be ok, shoulder that you can lean on, hand that will accompany you to whatever choice you have decided to take..

Selfless love is one thing that I can give you. From the very start, I've been trying to prove this feelings I got for you. I just hope you can feel it..

Eventhough we have different point of views when it comes to being affectionate, still I am bold . I want you to feel who you are in my life. I want you to know that you are a special and important part of me.

I love you..

at last!

2006-07-24T19:42:00.000-04:00

oh yeah.. after asking for my mom's permission for the 10th time (i think.. or was it 11th time), she finally agreed to let me go to Chicago.. yey!

Feeling excited now cause I get to spend time with Jay.. and finally I can meet his family.. I've already purchased our tickets.. I'm gonna be gone from the 29th till the 7th.. awesome!

That should keep me afloat for the the whole week..

2006-07-21T10:51:00.000-04:00

guhreat! it's morning and what a day to start it..

bad news bad news bad news..

hay buhay.............. di ba, ayoko namang magmukhang kontrabida sa kanya.. hanggat maari gusto ko nga mukha akong very supportive sa mga pinaggagagawa nya e khit minsan against ka na sa mga pinagsasabi nya.. e wala ka namang magawa kasi choice na un.. badtrip..

oh well.. if it is His will.. Amen!

drunk..

2006-07-21T00:03:00.000-04:00

A minute before 12 am... Jay's at the other line sleeping.. a total silence..

Anyhow, I'm a lil sober.. been drinking for the past 3 hours (2 jack daniel's and 4 bottles of miller lite).. alone! I miss my friends.. You see, whenever I get drunk, it's not just me.. everybody's wasted and I miss those times.. I miss having my overstays (it's not not called overnight.. why?! I dunno either).. I just hate this day and I miss home and I want to see Jay..

I wanna move out real baddddd but got nowhere to go..

Oww yeah.. babe, if you're reading this.. thanks for making me laugh real hard.. I almost forgot that I'm supposed to be whimpering tonight.. The things you said about us made me smile (I just don't know if you're just sleepy that bad or ur also a lil buzz.. hahaha.. kiddin).. I'll stay by your side for as long as you want me to.. never will I let go until you say so.. thanks for being so understanding.. and you know that I wab you..

alright.. enuf of those.. I had enough alcohol for tonight.. and yey! I already lost 7 lbs in 2 weeks.. hurrah! 3 more to go.. and I can show off my flabs again ( i mean flat abs!!).. hahahaha..

I'm off to bed.. g'night..

Tonight.. i build my dreams around you..

I wanna breakdown and cry!!

2006-07-20T18:23:00.000-04:00

I am totally pissed, feeling pressured and fearful now..

Pissed with the usual reason.. I am not allowed to do the things that I wanted to do.. Too afraid to go against her since I'm still under her custody.. but hell, the only thing I do in this freakin place is to tend to them..

I wanna go back home.. In times like this, I miss talkin to my emotional support.. I wanted to cry.. It's just hard that I cannot share this with anybody (to where I am).. No one would want to listen.. I wanted to explode.. I want to go home..

Pressured.. I feel like I am not a good partner.. since I am not allowed to go places without my parent's approval, I am having a hard time finding ways to go to Augusta...
I just can't tell them "hey ma, I'm goin somewhere".. There's always a "who, what, where, when, and why "questions and if she doesn't approve, forget about going..

He said he understood.. I just hope he really does understand my situation..

Fearful.. Jay's goin back to his hometown for a week vacation.. I wanted to go yet there is the usual reason why I can't.. Why am i afraid? cause by the time he comes back, I think we'll be having another problem.. I can sense it now.. Him having the time of his life again and that when he flies back he'll be depress again and that depression includes me..

Another thing, he might find somebody new.. there you go.. I typed it.. yeah, that's really the main point here.. from the previous talks we had, well I can say that he is prone to looking for a new one.. that scares me but yeah, I'm readyin myself..

FAWK! really!!!!

Memory Lane

2006-07-19T00:24:00.000-04:00

For the past 2 days.. I've passed a very familiar road once again.. t'was memory lane..

From my years as a teenager till what occured last sunday.. I have tried to recall all the events that had happened to me.. instances that made me cry, smile, laugh, exhausted.. all the emotions combined..

It all started way back June 1997.. First day as a highschool.. I can still see myself wandering around the Escudero Garden trying to find my section.. It was crowded and my uniform then was so big to me and my belt is really waist high.. I look like a freshman indeed.. I can see all the juniors and seniors being so hip and cool cause their belts are really below waist low.. It was awesome and I was really shaking then.. Homeroom came and from there I was a bit bossy since I came from the same school and cause of that attitude, I've met most of the people in class.. First Year was awesome.. I experienced a lot of things.. first fight, first boyfriend (we broke up after a month.. yeah Van! i hate you for that!!!), first time I get to commute, first gimmick, and a lot more..

Second year came.. It was the worst year in my HS life since I didn't like my environment then... It's like everything was shallow.. Though I somewhat enjoyed the latter part of it.. First real heart break came that year (with Ryan).. It was hard for me to recover then.. good thing I surpassed that (it lasted for like 3 months).. I get to be hip since I made my belt go a lil lower than my waist.. hahaha..

Third year HS.. oh swell! that was the most exciting part of my HS.. Need I elaborate? It was astounding in all its sense.. all the people in that class are friends and that I enjoy the company of each one of em.. I got very good grades.. I met Brian.. Prom came.. Cheering.. Dancing career.. It was awesome..

4th year.. nothin much happened.. but I have been with the coolest people ever.. Another year for very high grades, I've been through a lot of fights and even experienced bein called to the Asst. Principal's office.. I was a real pain in the ass then for my foes.. First stalking experience.. First year with Brian.. Prom again.. I was hella fat! and oh yeah.. I hate my parents during HS..

HS was hella fun! I miss those times..

College came.. took CS.. not my choice though.. it was my father's.. good thing I was exempted to college and I wanted to take my Acturial Science yet they told me to pick bet nursing and CS..

First Year.. first day was ok.. I saw some potential crushes in my class.. we were only 11 girls and there were like 30 guys in there.. I was in awe.. There were Dennis, Marco, and Jed.. First programming experience came.. as usual I was not interested in doin those.. yet I have passed my subjects.. Gimmicks were all lined up on a weekly basis.. I felt a lil freedom during those times.. My classmates are bein paired up and most of em end up in true-2-life affair.. I remember during lunch breaks.. we're having a rough time finding a place to eat cause we're like 20 in the group and most of the restaus cannot anymore accomodate us cause students we're all piled up.. Coop is tha place to be during break.. I got issues with some of my guy classmates (romantic ones)..

Second year.. same friends.. we were tighter.. projects we're a lil hard.. I have already experienced sleepless nights and days for the sake of studying (Can u imagine 48 hours of reading [not really non stop though].. wahahaha.. nerd!).. My grades were getting better then..
Still in love that time.. same guy.. same lunch dilemma, fewer people this time.. they like goin to my place (free food.. hahahaha)

Third year.. oh yeah.. new batch of classmates.. they're fantastic.. I get to befriend them easily.. More sleepless nights.. more crushes and more stalking activities.. I enjoyed having my moments at the rest room where I can spend hours of talking with my gurlfriends.. same lunch problems with a few additions.. our uniform has changed well basically our location has changed.. from the Main Building to the Engineering Building.. I get to value myself more.. I've lost a lot of weight.. Chillin after school at some of our classmate's pad (usually at edwin's).. Projects were hella pressuring this time.. OJT (I experienced being harassed by my boss, dammit! yet it was a very memorable experience since I get to work with a few great people.. I go home late during those times.. around 12 am and I go to work at around 7 am.. hehehe.. it was soo kewl.. they even call me Ms. PLDT since most of the people who works in our dept are guys.. yeah yeah, i miss the attention..) I almost got killed by a holdaper good thing he wasnt able to shoot the gun that was pointed at me.. Aaron became my bhez (miss you gulapo!!! He's one guy who can really understand my emotions and I miss talking to you!!).. Lovapalooza started.. I was there when that record breakin kiss happened (well technically we were included since we got our number but we have to leave early due to some unexcusable reason made by brian.. ).. Get to go to Bohol and Cebu..

Fourth Year.. oh gosh! Thesis time... dammit!!! it was sooooooo friggin pressuring.. I was seldom home during those time tryin to come up with the topics and the how-to-do-it stuffs.. Issues among groupmates were already gettin serious (things became well after defense).. Quizzes were so damn hard (usually takes 10 and up chapters for just one friggin exam! Thanks Sir Tengky!) Defense was ok.. we were amongst the first to defend our thesis.. We got the highest grade one could get.. oh yeah, that felt good! Graduation... woah! i made it! It was also during this time when my siblings left.. I had a hard time coping since I'm so used to having them by my side..

After grad.. went to Bora.. fun fun fun!! Worked on my papers before I go here.. Drama nights were endless since I'll be leaving a lot of people (who composes me) behind.. Letters and phonecalls from different companies were already calling me yet I have to decline em since I'll be leaving soon.. Despedida party, my friends were there (though not complete).. I had fun.. it was indeed memorable.. Spent time with Brian and Danielle since I won't be able to be with them for quite sometime..

Came here.. I was miserable and homesick.. been crying everynight.. plus this place sucks!

Broke up with Brian fater 6 years of bein together (but we're friends though).. Had a bf from the other planet (I mean Vegas but he looks like an alien).. lol.. hahahaha.. broke up with him early this year.. Had a few online flings.. Undecided where life will lead me (until now)..

Currently occupied by Jay.. hmm.. I cant elaborate as of the moment..

So, where to?

2006-07-16T02:03:00.000-04:00

It was an awesome day.. I had so much fun spending it with Jay (oh yeah.. he's my bf)..

I'm exhausted right now yet I'm doing this cause I might forget the details by tom..

I woke up around 7 am (slept around 4 ish am).. I tried to go back to sleep but my eyes won't let me.. Prepared lunch around 10 am ( i cooked chicken curry).. then took a shower.. then had a lil chat with a friend of mine and Jay's bro-in-law..

then he came.. gave him my pasalubong (i wish he likes it.. it was a card i made, shirt and a bracelet [and he thought i got it from Chinatown.. aduh!]).. had lunch.. ate ice cream at Bruster.. dropped May at her house (and I drove his car on the way home.. c'mon it's manual! we got home safe.. it was tough!) we watch my sassy girl (first part [ we've already watched the second part at his place.. that's a good way to spoil a movie.. watch the second part first..lol]).. heard mass.. went to a Japanese restau and had dinner.. strolled (went to old navy) and I got him a bouncy ball (that made him happy.. hahaha)..watched "The Lakehouse"..

In between those activities were the smooching, landian, kilig moments and senseless/ful talks.. He was perfect as usual.. and that makes me fall for him more.. and I think that it is not right to feel this way.. though I really can't hold it back now.. what we have this past days is just so hard to fathom knowing his doubts about us but it seems like a dream that everything is goin well between us.. not that I'm complaining, it's just that something in my mind tells me that it is not permanent and that I should be ready to get hurt again..

Maybe I am presuming things again but hey, he was the one who told me that what we have got a deadline.. It pains me to consider it that way cause since the first meeting, I already made him a big deal in my life.. but I have to accept reality and just be ready when it's time to say goodbye.. I love him so deeply now that I'm confused what to follow..

Anyhow, I got his shirt with me and I can still smell him from here.. I'm just so into his scent.. yeah, he smells good.. :D

Imma hit bed.. I'm just so friggin tired yet I got a tattoed smile on my face right now.. Happy day indeed.. Thanks babe!

laterz!

EWAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

2006-07-14T18:35:00.000-04:00

I am feeling depress right now...

My mom won't let me go to Chicago.. after asking for her permission for the nth time. Tough life right now cause I am sick and tired of being treated this way.. as if I don't own my life. It is not about her not letting me go, it is about me havin to ask her permission to everything that I do. That made me realize a lot of things.. right now, I am really eager in leaving the house and attend the military. I had enough of this kind of treatment. I need to do something for my life.

I want to shout.. real loud .. but I can't.. I still have to ask for her permission...

Amen

2006-07-04T22:32:00.000-04:00

Here I am again.. trying to redeem my blog cause I've accidentally erased my old one (stupid me I know!).

Life has been fair this past months.. I haven't been able to whine for quite sometime now and that's a good thing. Pretty tough stage on my first year to where I am now. I can say I have surpassed a real challenege in life.. that is to stay sane despite the hardships and the feeling of homesickness.. I got through it all..

Relationship wise.. I am uncertain.. uncertain in the sense that I don't know anymore which way we are going or even, if we are indeed moving. Everything has been in its safe side. No assurance, no plans, no dreams. I am getting used to it.. as I say my favorite line "Amen"..

Things will go smoothly soon.. in His time..