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- Friends -
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Thursday, July 27, 2006
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Friends are the best companion one person could ever have.
Through out my life, there have been a lot of people goin in and out of my life yet the true friends remained. I remember back in elementary, where everything is just shallow, the time where we put up a barkada and promised that we'll stay intact for the rest of our lives. It was a good relationship then.. we treated each other as more than siblings. We even agreed to name our daughters Janisa Kerzelle and Janzelle Kerisa... those were tha days.. highschool came still were close.. but as we grow old, we parted ways. Though I can get to talk to them once in a while, I just miss them.. Janette, Luisa and Jenzelle..
College.. I've been with the best gurl friends ever.. Abi, Kristine and Leah.. It was a tight friendship.. We had our girl talks at the restroom.. sharing opinions and insights, being open with emotional problems, advices and other how to's in life. 4 years of great camaraderie.. Though problems may have occurred in the past, still they are a part of me.. till the end..
Aaron.. my best friend (as I address him).. We have lost contact for the reasons I don't know. He maybe too busy with his work and his social life that he has already forgotten about me. Talk about being best friends. But yeah still I give a kudos to my best pal for being there for me through out my college life. He has listened to all my problems and tried everything he could just to make me feel better.. All those efforts are very much appreciated. I just hope he's happy now..
Jerry.. eversince college, we're already close.. I'm his emo buddy and so is he to me yet there are times when we dont get to talk since we're just too busy with school and other stuffs. Since i got here, he was the only person whom I could talk to. Its been crazy here since I dont have a social life so I'm happy that I got jerry to help me get through homesickness and boredom. If there is one guy whom I am sure of staying by my side "forever", that would be jerry.. And if there is one person whom I can say knows me very well upto this point, that would also be jerry.. Thank you bro for everything.. With everything that you have done for me, rest assured Ill be doing the same thing for you..
Of course.. to my other csa brothers who had kept me sane during college.. wab u guys! You will never be forgotten..
Abi.. thanks for everything.. You are a treasure in my life and I miss you so much..
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- ~For you~ -
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006
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I'm sorry if I've been acting weird lately.. It's just that I don't feel appreciated this past days..
I'm sorry if I've been asking a lot of questions that may have pissed you off. I'm sorry if I've been out of words whenever we talk. I'm sorry if I have become a bore to you.
I asked you awhile ago what would you do if you're only given a day to live and you answered me in a very expected way.. Anyhow, mine was quite a lie.. I'm sorry if I have to make an alibi. Mine is not really mind boggling.. I just want to spend that day with you..
Days just go on so fast. We never know when will our time be. As I am typing this, I have realized a lot of things.. mistakes, pleasure, lies, pressure.. I have encountered all that in a matter of 22 years yet I'm still undecided where life will lead me. Like the dilemma you're in right now, there should be no more for regrets in your life. Whatever it is that you are facing, head high welcome the lessons that you have learned.
With a few bumps on the side, God is still the best company one could have. Enjoy every second you have cause you'll never know when your life loan will expire. I am here to be with you. I may not be physically present whenever you need me but I can always be an ear that would listen to your yearnings, mouth to blurt out the choices you got and to tell you that everything will be ok, shoulder that you can lean on, hand that will accompany you to whatever choice you have decided to take..
Selfless love is one thing that I can give you. From the very start, I've been trying to prove this feelings I got for you. I just hope you can feel it..
Eventhough we have different point of views when it comes to being affectionate, still I am bold . I want you to feel who you are in my life. I want you to know that you are a special and important part of me.
I love you..
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- at last! -
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Monday, July 24, 2006
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oh yeah.. after asking for my mom's permission for the 10th time (i think.. or was it 11th time), she finally agreed to let me go to Chicago.. yey!
Feeling excited now cause I get to spend time with Jay.. and finally I can meet his family.. I've already purchased our tickets.. I'm gonna be gone from the 29th till the 7th.. awesome!
That should keep me afloat for the the whole week..
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- -
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Friday, July 21, 2006
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guhreat! it's morning and what a day to start it..
bad news bad news bad news..
hay buhay.............. di ba, ayoko namang magmukhang kontrabida sa kanya.. hanggat maari gusto ko nga mukha akong very supportive sa mga pinaggagagawa nya e khit minsan against ka na sa mga pinagsasabi nya.. e wala ka namang magawa kasi choice na un.. badtrip..
oh well.. if it is His will.. Amen!
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- drunk.. -
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A minute before 12 am... Jay's at the other line sleeping.. a total silence..
Anyhow, I'm a lil sober.. been drinking for the past 3 hours (2 jack daniel's and 4 bottles of miller lite).. alone! I miss my friends.. You see, whenever I get drunk, it's not just me.. everybody's wasted and I miss those times.. I miss having my overstays (it's not not called overnight.. why?! I dunno either).. I just hate this day and I miss home and I want to see Jay..
I wanna move out real baddddd but got nowhere to go..
Oww yeah.. babe, if you're reading this.. thanks for making me laugh real hard.. I almost forgot that I'm supposed to be whimpering tonight.. The things you said about us made me smile (I just don't know if you're just sleepy that bad or ur also a lil buzz.. hahaha.. kiddin).. I'll stay by your side for as long as you want me to.. never will I let go until you say so.. thanks for being so understanding.. and you know that I wab you..
alright.. enuf of those.. I had enough alcohol for tonight.. and yey! I already lost 7 lbs in 2 weeks.. hurrah! 3 more to go.. and I can show off my flabs again ( i mean flat abs!!).. hahahaha..
I'm off to bed.. g'night..
Tonight.. i build my dreams around you..
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- I wanna breakdown and cry!! -
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Thursday, July 20, 2006
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I am totally pissed, feeling pressured and fearful now..
Pissed with the usual reason.. I am not allowed to do the things that I wanted to do.. Too afraid to go against her since I'm still under her custody.. but hell, the only thing I do in this freakin place is to tend to them..
I wanna go back home.. In times like this, I miss talkin to my emotional support.. I wanted to cry.. It's just hard that I cannot share this with anybody (to where I am).. No one would want to listen.. I wanted to explode.. I want to go home..
Pressured.. I feel like I am not a good partner.. since I am not allowed to go places without my parent's approval, I am having a hard time finding ways to go to Augusta...
I just can't tell them "hey ma, I'm goin somewhere".. There's always a "who, what, where, when, and why "questions and if she doesn't approve, forget about going..
He said he understood.. I just hope he really does understand my situation..
Fearful.. Jay's goin back to his hometown for a week vacation.. I wanted to go yet there is the usual reason why I can't.. Why am i afraid? cause by the time he comes back, I think we'll be having another problem.. I can sense it now.. Him having the time of his life again and that when he flies back he'll be depress again and that depression includes me..
Another thing, he might find somebody new.. there you go.. I typed it.. yeah, that's really the main point here.. from the previous talks we had, well I can say that he is prone to looking for a new one.. that scares me but yeah, I'm readyin myself..
FAWK! really!!!!
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- Memory Lane -
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Wednesday, July 19, 2006
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For the past 2 days.. I've passed a very familiar road once again.. t'was memory lane..
From my years as a teenager till what occured last sunday.. I have tried to recall all the events that had happened to me.. instances that made me cry, smile, laugh, exhausted.. all the emotions combined..
It all started way back June 1997.. First day as a highschool.. I can still see myself wandering around the Escudero Garden trying to find my section.. It was crowded and my uniform then was so big to me and my belt is really waist high.. I look like a freshman indeed.. I can see all the juniors and seniors being so hip and cool cause their belts are really below waist low.. It was awesome and I was really shaking then.. Homeroom came and from there I was a bit bossy since I came from the same school and cause of that attitude, I've met most of the people in class.. First Year was awesome.. I experienced a lot of things.. first fight, first boyfriend (we broke up after a month.. yeah Van! i hate you for that!!!), first time I get to commute, first gimmick, and a lot more..
Second year came.. It was the worst year in my HS life since I didn't like my environment then... It's like everything was shallow.. Though I somewhat enjoyed the latter part of it.. First real heart break came that year (with Ryan).. It was hard for me to recover then.. good thing I surpassed that (it lasted for like 3 months).. I get to be hip since I made my belt go a lil lower than my waist.. hahaha..
Third year HS.. oh swell! that was the most exciting part of my HS.. Need I elaborate? It was astounding in all its sense.. all the people in that class are friends and that I enjoy the company of each one of em.. I got very good grades.. I met Brian.. Prom came.. Cheering.. Dancing career.. It was awesome..
4th year.. nothin much happened.. but I have been with the coolest people ever.. Another year for very high grades, I've been through a lot of fights and even experienced bein called to the Asst. Principal's office.. I was a real pain in the ass then for my foes.. First stalking experience.. First year with Brian.. Prom again.. I was hella fat! and oh yeah.. I hate my parents during HS..
HS was hella fun! I miss those times..
College came.. took CS.. not my choice though.. it was my father's.. good thing I was exempted to college and I wanted to take my Acturial Science yet they told me to pick bet nursing and CS..
First Year.. first day was ok.. I saw some potential crushes in my class.. we were only 11 girls and there were like 30 guys in there.. I was in awe.. There were Dennis, Marco, and Jed.. First programming experience came.. as usual I was not interested in doin those.. yet I have passed my subjects.. Gimmicks were all lined up on a weekly basis.. I felt a lil freedom during those times.. My classmates are bein paired up and most of em end up in true-2-life affair.. I remember during lunch breaks.. we're having a rough time finding a place to eat cause we're like 20 in the group and most of the restaus cannot anymore accomodate us cause students we're all piled up.. Coop is tha place to be during break.. I got issues with some of my guy classmates (romantic ones)..
Second year.. same friends.. we were tighter.. projects we're a lil hard.. I have already experienced sleepless nights and days for the sake of studying (Can u imagine 48 hours of reading [not really non stop though].. wahahaha.. nerd!).. My grades were getting better then..
Still in love that time.. same guy.. same lunch dilemma, fewer people this time.. they like goin to my place (free food.. hahahaha)
Third year.. oh yeah.. new batch of classmates.. they're fantastic.. I get to befriend them easily.. More sleepless nights.. more crushes and more stalking activities.. I enjoyed having my moments at the rest room where I can spend hours of talking with my gurlfriends.. same lunch problems with a few additions.. our uniform has changed well basically our location has changed.. from the Main Building to the Engineering Building.. I get to value myself more.. I've lost a lot of weight.. Chillin after school at some of our classmate's pad (usually at edwin's).. Projects were hella pressuring this time.. OJT (I experienced being harassed by my boss, dammit! yet it was a very memorable experience since I get to work with a few great people.. I go home late during those times.. around 12 am and I go to work at around 7 am.. hehehe.. it was soo kewl.. they even call me Ms. PLDT since most of the people who works in our dept are guys.. yeah yeah, i miss the attention..) I almost got killed by a holdaper good thing he wasnt able to shoot the gun that was pointed at me.. Aaron became my bhez (miss you gulapo!!! He's one guy who can really understand my emotions and I miss talking to you!!).. Lovapalooza started.. I was there when that record breakin kiss happened (well technically we were included since we got our number but we have to leave early due to some unexcusable reason made by brian.. ).. Get to go to Bohol and Cebu..
Fourth Year.. oh gosh! Thesis time... dammit!!! it was sooooooo friggin pressuring.. I was seldom home during those time tryin to come up with the topics and the how-to-do-it stuffs.. Issues among groupmates were already gettin serious (things became well after defense).. Quizzes were so damn hard (usually takes 10 and up chapters for just one friggin exam! Thanks Sir Tengky!) Defense was ok.. we were amongst the first to defend our thesis.. We got the highest grade one could get.. oh yeah, that felt good! Graduation... woah! i made it! It was also during this time when my siblings left.. I had a hard time coping since I'm so used to having them by my side..
After grad.. went to Bora.. fun fun fun!! Worked on my papers before I go here.. Drama nights were endless since I'll be leaving a lot of people (who composes me) behind.. Letters and phonecalls from different companies were already calling me yet I have to decline em since I'll be leaving soon.. Despedida party, my friends were there (though not complete).. I had fun.. it was indeed memorable.. Spent time with Brian and Danielle since I won't be able to be with them for quite sometime..
Came here.. I was miserable and homesick.. been crying everynight.. plus this place sucks!
Broke up with Brian fater 6 years of bein together (but we're friends though).. Had a bf from the other planet (I mean Vegas but he looks like an alien).. lol.. hahahaha.. broke up with him early this year.. Had a few online flings.. Undecided where life will lead me (until now)..
Currently occupied by Jay.. hmm.. I cant elaborate as of the moment..
So, where to?
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Sunday, July 16, 2006
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It was an awesome day.. I had so much fun spending it with Jay (oh yeah.. he's my bf)..
I'm exhausted right now yet I'm doing this cause I might forget the details by tom..
I woke up around 7 am (slept around 4 ish am).. I tried to go back to sleep but my eyes won't let me.. Prepared lunch around 10 am ( i cooked chicken curry).. then took a shower.. then had a lil chat with a friend of mine and Jay's bro-in-law..
then he came.. gave him my pasalubong (i wish he likes it.. it was a card i made, shirt and a bracelet [and he thought i got it from Chinatown.. aduh!]).. had lunch.. ate ice cream at Bruster.. dropped May at her house (and I drove his car on the way home.. c'mon it's manual! we got home safe.. it was tough!) we watch my sassy girl (first part [ we've already watched the second part at his place.. that's a good way to spoil a movie.. watch the second part first..lol]).. heard mass.. went to a Japanese restau and had dinner.. strolled (went to old navy) and I got him a bouncy ball (that made him happy.. hahaha)..watched "The Lakehouse"..
In between those activities were the smooching, landian, kilig moments and senseless/ful talks.. He was perfect as usual.. and that makes me fall for him more.. and I think that it is not right to feel this way.. though I really can't hold it back now.. what we have this past days is just so hard to fathom knowing his doubts about us but it seems like a dream that everything is goin well between us.. not that I'm complaining, it's just that something in my mind tells me that it is not permanent and that I should be ready to get hurt again..
Maybe I am presuming things again but hey, he was the one who told me that what we have got a deadline.. It pains me to consider it that way cause since the first meeting, I already made him a big deal in my life.. but I have to accept reality and just be ready when it's time to say goodbye.. I love him so deeply now that I'm confused what to follow..
Anyhow, I got his shirt with me and I can still smell him from here.. I'm just so into his scent.. yeah, he smells good.. :D
Imma hit bed.. I'm just so friggin tired yet I got a tattoed smile on my face right now.. Happy day indeed.. Thanks babe!
laterz!
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- EWAAAAAAAAAAAAN! -
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Friday, July 14, 2006
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I am feeling depress right now...
My mom won't let me go to Chicago.. after asking for her permission for the nth time. Tough life right now cause I am sick and tired of being treated this way.. as if I don't own my life. It is not about her not letting me go, it is about me havin to ask her permission to everything that I do. That made me realize a lot of things.. right now, I am really eager in leaving the house and attend the military. I had enough of this kind of treatment. I need to do something for my life.
I want to shout.. real loud .. but I can't.. I still have to ask for her permission...
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- Amen -
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Tuesday, July 04, 2006
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Here I am again.. trying to redeem my blog cause I've accidentally erased my old one (stupid me I know!).
Life has been fair this past months.. I haven't been able to whine for quite sometime now and that's a good thing. Pretty tough stage on my first year to where I am now. I can say I have surpassed a real challenege in life.. that is to stay sane despite the hardships and the feeling of homesickness.. I got through it all..
Relationship wise.. I am uncertain.. uncertain in the sense that I don't know anymore which way we are going or even, if we are indeed moving. Everything has been in its safe side. No assurance, no plans, no dreams. I am getting used to it.. as I say my favorite line "Amen"..
Things will go smoothly soon.. in His time..
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